Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
