That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
What a dumb baby whore.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Vodka?
Forever.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
