totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
