He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im about as happy as oj after his trial
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
