just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
