I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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