i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Randomize
