I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
