I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
