did you get engaged???
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
