I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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