Whoa Z and x make the same sound
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
