I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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