I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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