i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
