Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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