His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
