At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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