You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
