Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
