I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
