My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
