Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
