biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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