Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
