I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
