my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I want to be your penis for a week.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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