I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
