I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
