sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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