Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
