Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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