i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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