I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
