I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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