i permit you to call me
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
