last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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