I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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