I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
