Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
