even my farts smell like vagina
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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