He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
