my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
