The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
