my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
