I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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