I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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