At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
