Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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