please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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