i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
