i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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