i just sent this text using only my big toe
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
