She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize