There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
