I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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