How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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