just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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