Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
